2020 was a very difficult year for me. Starting out with that awful elbow revision in January from COVID-19 forcing all of us indoors into our shared spaces with little to do except drive each other CRAZY, to my summer of high blood pressure, hot flashes, and failed ACDF surgery, and not to mention I found the current President absolutely vile (but not everyone in my circle felt the same) which only made my loathing of him even more profound and at odds with certain loved ones. Again — circle back to Insanity.

I worried about my failing body, knowing full-well that people like me don’t age gracefully and usually expire early due to complications of the disease. Would my elbow need another revision? Would it even be possible? What happens if it isn’t? I was terrified to use it given the Hell that I went through. How long would these ankles last me? I was already going on 10 and 9 years respectfully; longer than my doctor had envisioned. When were they going to give out? My right hand is deforming more and more each year – and often the tendons seize up (which makes it very hard to paint, type, write, anything fine motor) and have to be forced back into place. My left shoulder was acting up also – what the fuck was this now?

By the end of the year I was feeling like a caged tiger — in my mind, in my body, in my spirit, in my family, in my home, in my community, in my world. Nobody was getting along, I felt unloved, unsupported, and misunderstood by my family, betrayed by my body, convinced my soul had a plan to leave early, so why even bother trying? Why did I incarnate into this extremely challenging life? What was the point of any of it? I felt so down and lost and couldn’t see a way out. I thought very seriously about giving up and letting go; I even had a plan. However, I couldn’t do that to my husband and kids, my parents, my closest friends. I had to find a way out of the deep dark hole…